piece of shit

I am nothing but a piece of shit.  I will never grow up to be something amazing but immature and horrible.  No voice or nothing to fall back on.  Nothing.  It is so sad to say but so true.  Why try when I will never be noticed like anything else but who I am today.  Why run towards a destination when I know well I will never make it.  Never.   I am like a candle that is lit.  It will continue to burn till the end and nothing else.  I am so pathetic crying here and writing about myself but it is holding me back to do so many other things. I will never stand out.  I will never improve.  Just be the same dumb ass and moron that I am today.  Why bother with anything anymore.  My life just gets worst and worst as the days go by.  Nothing never changes for the better just for the worst.  I can hardly breathe but who cares.  I can’t stop weeping but no one is looking.  I am so unsatisfied with my being.  The ways I think, talk and act.  I hate it all.  I will just sit and watch them all grow and become something better as I just continue to sit and watch.  I will never be recognized as anything better.  I tried but for what there will always be something placed in my path that will bring me back to here.  I hate this world.  I hate the people.  I hate me.  

Im back

It has been a very bizarre month.  From having relationship problems to not having enough money to pay by college bill.  I need to register as soon as possible.  It is very fustrating.  Problems like these are the one's that can get to me in a very negative way.  It brings me down knowing that i can never be on time for the very important deadlines.  I need MOney.   The deadliest thing in this world.  I hate money but at the same time I need it for school, pay bills and survive.  It is like a plague.  

un pedazo

It has been almost a week since my last nightmare.  I can finally see some light in the tunnel.  It is still a bit unknown on how the nightmare will affect my future but for now i am trying to stay a float.  Work with what i have and try to improve things as best as possible.  Thats all i can do.  Change is such a powerful thing.  It can be for better or worst, but all you have to do is just go for it and try to steer it towards your destination.  

I just want to get there all in one piece.  

One piece.

In or Out

Always being slapped in the face by the one i love.  Hard bricks surrounding my escape, hard to leave.  I love him but i hate him so.  I know it does not make much sense but those are the bricks that are impossible to escape.  In one hand I want to hold him while the other hand wants to kill him.  It is only one way or nothing.  In or Out, that is what it all comes down to.  Many years of struggling and passion spent for it all to dangle on the edge?  Will it jump off?

Should it turn around and pull it self up?  We are talking about the relationship here.  I am reprehended and treated like a dog, a bitch I must say.  Feeling afraid all the time and feeling useless.  this was never a part of me.  I was never use to it, for it all to be so hard to leave behind.  What is wrong?  why do I continue to give the relationship mouth to mouth and try to keep it alive? Love.

I was the one to leave before, but it is hard for me to walk out the door this time.  

Push or Pull me, please. 

It's Raining, It's Pouring..  

So today i had to do a lot of depressing stuff, like go to counseling that was mandated by the court as well as probation.  To make things worse I have to attend the DDP class at 7 pm.  I am not looking forward for that class.  It sucks that i have to pay soooo much money for something I don't need.  I don't drink but i have to attend a Drinking and Driving Program.  I am so angry.  But believe it or not the weather goes well with my schedule.  I Love it when it rains.  In a way deep inside i feel a bit down,  but outside i am Happy.    It's like a whole new world afterwards.  The rain washes away all the dirt and bad stuff and cleans the air.  I feel more alive afterwards.  Alive...

Bored after watching a vampire flick, part 1

Church bells struck twelve, a breathtaking sound.  Walking out the doors, solitude continued to follow me, the town seemed as a ghost town full of legends behind every house.  The streets lights glimmered in my eyes, letting out my desperate prayer to the stars that stared down at me.  Spirits enhanced the moment, flying around me chanting, yet the whispers I hear have no answers.  The old creek seemed like a nice place to let my mind and soul fly free.  It is humid while many dark animals welcome the night, lurking through the shadows for creatures to prey upon.  It was perfect for the moment, even the dead scary trees around were dripping down as if people weeping for me. I climbed up a tree to admire the creeks wonderful surroundings, when for my surprise, I discovered that between the shadows a soul glimpse at me, studying every move I make.  All the hair in my body stood rapidly, while my mind only entwined with memories of that women who brought me into this world of misery.   Could it be the soul of my mother trying to stop me from my evil thoughts?  I ran through the creek, the water splashing all around my dress and long cloak, it made it seem like demons dragging themselves not wanting to let go of me.  I crossed even the impossible to seek the grave that once was important to me, back when my heart pump blood and not cold.  I wanted to see if she was roaming free to see if she was in search of me, me, that creature she abandoned to suffer with death and not life.